Post Surgery Thoughts

It has been almost three months since my major surgery on May 19 and I have yet to write about it. I have been through nine other surgeries and this was by far the hardest for me to handle. Why? I feel like since I am older, that I shoudld be more brave, possess more courage and strength, but I don't. I feel weak, helpless and depressed.
Throughout my life, there were many times I felt depressed, a few times when I actually thought of ending my life. This time was different.
The surgery didn't go as expected. Before, I wore a lift in my shoe that measured a little over an inch in height because of my leg length discrepancy since birth (LLD). During the consultation for my potential hip replacement back in January 2009, my doctor told me fantastic news, the news I had been waiting to hear my entire life- he could make my legs even!
My hip replacement surgery was on May 19, five months later because I had to finish school before going through the procedure. I don't remember waking up. I dont remember much of anything that first day except that I do remember I was too drowsy and in too much pain to even care about my legs being even. But they were! My mom told me that they were and I can imagine I would have been on cloud 9 then if I'd only known.
The second day came along and I woke in terrible pain, probably the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. Apparently, the sciatic nerve that runs through the leg, from the hip to the big toe, was damaged...stretched too far when my doctor was lengthening my leg during the replacement.
When that news was delivered along with the announcment of another surgery- a bone reduction to take away the strain of the damaged nerve, my hopes and dreams went so fast out that hospital room, never to be seen again. I had the second surgery on May 20 and now my legs are about 3/4 in. short.
All of this was the cause of the depression. I still ask myself, why did this happen to me? Why has all this happened to me? What did I do to deserve such pain and misery? I feel helpless, like nothing will ever go right for me. Nothing will ever just turn out the way its supposed to. Time and time again doctors promise me results without fully delivering my promised desires. I don't want a normal body because there is no such thing as "normal" in anything except for on a washing machine. All I want is a painfree, functioning body. I know others can relate to me. I have met many friends in my lifetime who have disablities affect their lives to the point where their bodies are constant memories of how they are different in this world.
So, I want to send this question out into the void-- when will life get easier for us with disabilities? When will it get easier for me??