DONE!!
I'm done being lost...It's now time to start fresh and see what happens next! :)
posted by NauAngel @ 12:37 PM
0 Comments
Friday, April 08, 2011
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Post Surgery Thoughts
It has been almost three months since my major surgery on May 19 and I have yet to write about it. I have been through nine other surgeries and this was by far the hardest for me to handle. Why? I feel like since I am older, that I shoudld be more brave, possess more courage and strength, but I don't. I feel weak, helpless and depressed.
Throughout my life, there were many times I felt depressed, a few times when I actually thought of ending my life. This time was different.
The surgery didn't go as expected. Before, I wore a lift in my shoe that measured a little over an inch in height because of my leg length discrepancy since birth (LLD). During the consultation for my potential hip replacement back in January 2009, my doctor told me fantastic news, the news I had been waiting to hear my entire life- he could make my legs even!
My hip replacement surgery was on May 19, five months later because I had to finish school before going through the procedure. I don't remember waking up. I dont remember much of anything that first day except that I do remember I was too drowsy and in too much pain to even care about my legs being even. But they were! My mom told me that they were and I can imagine I would have been on cloud 9 then if I'd only known.
The second day came along and I woke in terrible pain, probably the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. Apparently, the sciatic nerve that runs through the leg, from the hip to the big toe, was damaged...stretched too far when my doctor was lengthening my leg during the replacement.
When that news was delivered along with the announcment of another surgery- a bone reduction to take away the strain of the damaged nerve, my hopes and dreams went so fast out that hospital room, never to be seen again. I had the second surgery on May 20 and now my legs are about 3/4 in. short.
All of this was the cause of the depression. I still ask myself, why did this happen to me? Why has all this happened to me? What did I do to deserve such pain and misery? I feel helpless, like nothing will ever go right for me. Nothing will ever just turn out the way its supposed to. Time and time again doctors promise me results without fully delivering my promised desires. I don't want a normal body because there is no such thing as "normal" in anything except for on a washing machine. All I want is a painfree, functioning body. I know others can relate to me. I have met many friends in my lifetime who have disablities affect their lives to the point where their bodies are constant memories of how they are different in this world.
So, I want to send this question out into the void-- when will life get easier for us with disabilities? When will it get easier for me??
posted by NauAngel @ 1:48 AM
0 Comments
Monday, March 02, 2009
Love Found
So, reading my past blogs- that one of losing love- letting it go. HMMM...today, makes me wonder something- you may think that, if your life is so down in the dumps and there is no light slipping through the cracks down into your darkness, that there is no hope for love ever again, when really- there is! I thought for sure that after I'd let Justin go that there would be no other man for me. No more love. No more kisses. No more hugs. No more Happily Ever After. I thought I'd lost it all. OH how I was wrong! On December 18 I met the love of my life- Larry. He is the most amazing man I've ever met! We have officially been together for about two months now-- I couldn't be happier! He really does make me so incrediably happy and he says the same about me.
It's strange because when your finding love, your looking for someone who "completes YOU"- who makes YOU happy, someone YOU love...but when you truely find the one YOU love, you find out that it's not only that your happier, that you make them happy also- that they feel the same way you do- that you make THEIR life better, THEIR happier, THEIR in love...it's amazing.
It's also very scary at the same time. I can't imagine life without Larry, my future- he is what I see and I dont ever want to loose that thought, that wonderful-
"You know the feeling when it's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and you know the next one's coming right down the middle. And then, you just connect... and for an instant, you know that it's going over the fence and out of the park... and further than you could ever imagine." -- It Takes Two (1995).
Labels: love
posted by NauAngel @ 9:26 PM
2 Comments
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Senior Year
Once again, it's that time of year again: purchase all new pens and notebooks, spend a fortune on textbooks, and clean off the cobwebs that have made a home of my mind over the summer. It is only the second day of classes and I feel beat. "How is this possible?" You ask. Well, I suppose once the bad luck starts, and falls after one event after another like dominos, it's hard to get back up again. BUT, despite my some-what miserable summer with certain circumstances and the recent turn of unfortunate events, I must go on and accomplish the goals I have come here to acheive! I cannot give up hope. Why, that wouldn't be courageous at all, would it? Now, please note, I would never give up, considering the fact that this is my last year and it is, in fact, only the second day. I suppose it is just a little bit of fear and a feeling of being overwhelmed. Also, again- its my last year! What will I do after this? What is all of this?? A job sounds nice because it will bring me money and a place to live. Graduate school also sounds nice because it will delay "the job" even further BUT I will have more student loans and more work AND 2-3 more years of school. How does one decide? I have to admit, decision-making is one of the hardest things about college...even life in general. From, which school should I go to? to Should I marry this Person? Can I live with them forever? What if I make the wrong decision- it may seem like the right one at the time, but later on down the road, when you think it's far behind your beaten path, it comes back around like a bumorang and kicks you in the ass.
So, this is how I am starting the semester...with all these thoughts screaming and kicking inside of my frazzled brain.
So, this is how I am starting the semester...with all these thoughts screaming and kicking inside of my frazzled brain.
posted by NauAngel @ 12:00 PM
0 Comments
Monday, October 22, 2007
This is me
Hey Everyone! Even though I've had this blog a long time, I have yet to post a pic of me, so here I am. I'll post another blog soon, once I have more time.
posted by NauAngel @ 10:05 AM
1 Comments
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Buried
September 14, 2006
Buried
There is one thing that every single person on this Earth shares, emotions. We all have them and we all express them differently. Happiness, Sadness, Excitement, Joy, Depression, Fear, Resentment, Confusion, Love, Lost, Anger, Pain…you get the point. Many different things can cause these emotions, such as people, events, and even our own stupidity. It’s almost as if the emotion experienced is stronger if it is our own fault though. The guilt, the pain, whatever it is that you are expressing inside, feels like a hole in your heart because sometimes it is too late to change things.
One emotion that seems to come up a lot in many lives’ is love. We all want love and it seems as simple as: We find love, or we don’t. We have love, but do we keep it or let it go? Does the love stay strong throughout a lifetime or does it slowly diminish with age? Do we fall out of love and find a different means of satisfying our new-found desires? Different relationships show different outcomes. For some of us, we find love and we let it go, thinking there is better, more tolerable person out there for us. We didn’t see the love we had in front of us, we had it and let is slip through the cracks. Just like every other meaningful possession, people in our lives’ also, that we let go, they falls through these cracks, beneath the solid pavement. At first, it’s only just below it, still seemingly in grasp, but as time goes by, so much stuff gets put on top of it, more dirt and rock, and it just gets buried. Eventually, you are unable to get it back.
What do you do when you’ve let that one and only person for you slip away because of your own selfishness? At first, you thought, he’s not good enough. He’s not right for me. There is someone who is right for me, and it isn’t him. When, in truth, he was there. He was right there, in your arms, holding your heart and had given his heart to you to cherish forever and you threw it back at him. Sometimes you don’t realize just how important, how loving a relationship is…until you lose it. So, the question is, how do you get it back? How do you get him/her back into your life when so much time has passed and so much pain has come and gone? Life is not a fairytale. Sorry Ladies, as much as we want to find our prince charming, lose him, and miraculously find each other in the end, reality doesn’t work that way. We need to cherish the good memories and forget about him. No doubt, since he is male, he has moved on and you are also buried beneath his sidewalk…so why not keep it buried. Move on and find yourself who will accept your heart in replace of their own. But remember this…when you do pull in someone’s heart and love exists, don’t let it go.
Buried
There is one thing that every single person on this Earth shares, emotions. We all have them and we all express them differently. Happiness, Sadness, Excitement, Joy, Depression, Fear, Resentment, Confusion, Love, Lost, Anger, Pain…you get the point. Many different things can cause these emotions, such as people, events, and even our own stupidity. It’s almost as if the emotion experienced is stronger if it is our own fault though. The guilt, the pain, whatever it is that you are expressing inside, feels like a hole in your heart because sometimes it is too late to change things.
One emotion that seems to come up a lot in many lives’ is love. We all want love and it seems as simple as: We find love, or we don’t. We have love, but do we keep it or let it go? Does the love stay strong throughout a lifetime or does it slowly diminish with age? Do we fall out of love and find a different means of satisfying our new-found desires? Different relationships show different outcomes. For some of us, we find love and we let it go, thinking there is better, more tolerable person out there for us. We didn’t see the love we had in front of us, we had it and let is slip through the cracks. Just like every other meaningful possession, people in our lives’ also, that we let go, they falls through these cracks, beneath the solid pavement. At first, it’s only just below it, still seemingly in grasp, but as time goes by, so much stuff gets put on top of it, more dirt and rock, and it just gets buried. Eventually, you are unable to get it back.
What do you do when you’ve let that one and only person for you slip away because of your own selfishness? At first, you thought, he’s not good enough. He’s not right for me. There is someone who is right for me, and it isn’t him. When, in truth, he was there. He was right there, in your arms, holding your heart and had given his heart to you to cherish forever and you threw it back at him. Sometimes you don’t realize just how important, how loving a relationship is…until you lose it. So, the question is, how do you get it back? How do you get him/her back into your life when so much time has passed and so much pain has come and gone? Life is not a fairytale. Sorry Ladies, as much as we want to find our prince charming, lose him, and miraculously find each other in the end, reality doesn’t work that way. We need to cherish the good memories and forget about him. No doubt, since he is male, he has moved on and you are also buried beneath his sidewalk…so why not keep it buried. Move on and find yourself who will accept your heart in replace of their own. But remember this…when you do pull in someone’s heart and love exists, don’t let it go.
posted by NauAngel @ 12:04 PM
0 Comments
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Satisfaction
Why is it that we are never satisfied? There is always something we want, something we 'need,' something we can't live without. Yet, when the time comes that we have that certain desire in our possession, thinking our life is finally complete, we want more.... I will never understand this concept. I admit taht I am one of these people. I want something so badly, take money for instance, yet when I get it, it's gone and I find myself wanting more. It's a never-ending cycle: want, need, recieve, gone, want. It's never enough is it?
It is the same idea with our physical appearances. We see someone we physically admire and think 'wow, they have it all, don't they?' Of course, it may seem that way to us, because we think they do have 'it all', but in reality, they think the same thing of someone else, either with physical looks or with mentality. Take, for example, a very beautiful woman, the type that are in magazines- tall, blonde, thin, well-toned. This woman could appear to have it all because she 'looks the part'. Who really knows what her life is like? Maybe she's as dumb as a door nail! On the other hand, she could be the top of her graduating class in undergraduate school, giving her another reason to be admired.
Many colleges around America have bus systems, transporting students to different areas of the campus. At Northern Arizona University, they have the same type of convenience. I, a 2nd year undergraduate student, ride this bus every other morning to get ot my microeconomics class, which is located on south campus. On the way back to north campus after class, I am sitting there, wondering if I'm going to make it to my next class on time, when I notice this woman across from me. I've seen her before around campus and have always admired her looks, secretly wishing I'd been born with looks such as hers. She is the 'model' type. She has long blonde hair, as do I, but her's is always perfectly styled as if she has a professional hair-stylist living wiht her. She is extremely tall, not like I who is only 5'2", and she is fairly thin, but not too drastic that she appears to have an eating disorder.
As I sit there, listening to my IPOD nano, various songs, I notice someone else who has an admirer. A plump, short girl sitting next to the 'model' is staring at me. I have my sunglasses on, so I doubt she can see me ever so often glance at her, seeming annoyed by her stares, when in truth, I am flattered. Then I realize that she isn't looking at 'me' and she is not admiring. She holds a look of curiosity and she cannot help but to stare at my right arm where there are two vertical, thick scars from a surgery in the past. I often get stares regarding these scars and I am fairly used to them, but this one instance was different. All this girl did was stare...every time she tried to take her eyes away and look somewhere else, her eyes made their way back to my arm. What is so intriguing about these scars that people find so fascinating? I don't understand it and probably never will, but the hope that someone was actually 'admiring' me went down the shitter faster than it entered my mind.
So it goes to say that we are all never completely satisfied with ourselves, physically, mentally, spiritually. There is always going to be someone/something else we desire, typically something someone else possesses. WE know it's wrong to do this, long for something so meaningless, but we do it anyway. What good will it bring us to do this? All it will do is satisfy us for a short-time and then we're off to wanting more, or it will bring us down in the dumps, hating ourselves even more than we had before. So, I guess the solution is to be satisfied with who you are. Be satisfied with what you look like and what your mental capability is. Be happy with what you have and be thankful you have it. This state of mind will bring you happiness and isn't that, in the long run, what we're all looking for?
It is the same idea with our physical appearances. We see someone we physically admire and think 'wow, they have it all, don't they?' Of course, it may seem that way to us, because we think they do have 'it all', but in reality, they think the same thing of someone else, either with physical looks or with mentality. Take, for example, a very beautiful woman, the type that are in magazines- tall, blonde, thin, well-toned. This woman could appear to have it all because she 'looks the part'. Who really knows what her life is like? Maybe she's as dumb as a door nail! On the other hand, she could be the top of her graduating class in undergraduate school, giving her another reason to be admired.
Many colleges around America have bus systems, transporting students to different areas of the campus. At Northern Arizona University, they have the same type of convenience. I, a 2nd year undergraduate student, ride this bus every other morning to get ot my microeconomics class, which is located on south campus. On the way back to north campus after class, I am sitting there, wondering if I'm going to make it to my next class on time, when I notice this woman across from me. I've seen her before around campus and have always admired her looks, secretly wishing I'd been born with looks such as hers. She is the 'model' type. She has long blonde hair, as do I, but her's is always perfectly styled as if she has a professional hair-stylist living wiht her. She is extremely tall, not like I who is only 5'2", and she is fairly thin, but not too drastic that she appears to have an eating disorder.
As I sit there, listening to my IPOD nano, various songs, I notice someone else who has an admirer. A plump, short girl sitting next to the 'model' is staring at me. I have my sunglasses on, so I doubt she can see me ever so often glance at her, seeming annoyed by her stares, when in truth, I am flattered. Then I realize that she isn't looking at 'me' and she is not admiring. She holds a look of curiosity and she cannot help but to stare at my right arm where there are two vertical, thick scars from a surgery in the past. I often get stares regarding these scars and I am fairly used to them, but this one instance was different. All this girl did was stare...every time she tried to take her eyes away and look somewhere else, her eyes made their way back to my arm. What is so intriguing about these scars that people find so fascinating? I don't understand it and probably never will, but the hope that someone was actually 'admiring' me went down the shitter faster than it entered my mind.
So it goes to say that we are all never completely satisfied with ourselves, physically, mentally, spiritually. There is always going to be someone/something else we desire, typically something someone else possesses. WE know it's wrong to do this, long for something so meaningless, but we do it anyway. What good will it bring us to do this? All it will do is satisfy us for a short-time and then we're off to wanting more, or it will bring us down in the dumps, hating ourselves even more than we had before. So, I guess the solution is to be satisfied with who you are. Be satisfied with what you look like and what your mental capability is. Be happy with what you have and be thankful you have it. This state of mind will bring you happiness and isn't that, in the long run, what we're all looking for?
posted by NauAngel @ 10:43 PM
1 Comments
